Jokes

Seniors Aren't Senile!

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday

evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend..

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought

another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the

jeweller said.'

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with

excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,

'by cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll

write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds

and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man. 'There's no money

in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend

Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your -*test*-('")icles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the -*test*-('")icles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your -*test*-('")icles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said:

"Paddy, I reckon you ought to draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future."

"Why?" Paddy asked.

"Because", said Mick "The whole street was laughing when they saw you shagging yesterday".

Mick said, "Silly buggers! - The laughs on them. I wasn't home yesterday!!"

Why do men die first?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework .... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ..... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ..... its male indifference. If you cry .... you're a wimp. If you don't . you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy . that's domination. If SHE asks you .... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ...... you're a pervert. If you don't . you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape . you're vain. If you don't .... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements .... you're full of yourself. If you don't .... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache . you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Why do men die first? Because

they want to.

MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala,

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan,

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help the Australian economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer,

These are the only products still produced in Australia.

Thank you for your help.

Regards

Kevin Rudd & Wayne Swan .
(Australian Prime Minister & Australian Treasurer)

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got
increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after
the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to
there room.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling.
Ones feet are killing One.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour
.
. . . But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla, 'Harder'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody
tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla
exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said
'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove
the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even
tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my
boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'

*A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM*

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
Personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
Cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
Give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
Model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
Encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
Worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
Dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
Skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
Today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
Aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be
A FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
Made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put
Weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
Full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!
It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
And moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
Both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
Parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
Members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and
When she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
Monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
Rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in
Shape and enjoy life. She said some other s**t too, but I can't remember it.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
Cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
Hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
And hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b*tch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that b*tch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
Human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic
Little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
Unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
You don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
Anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
Director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
Wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want
To smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even
Use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
Thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
Daughter (the little s**t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over,
he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

THE RULES OF BEING A MAN

1:Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
© After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
© Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29: The only time two men are allowed to hold hands is if one is dangling over a cliff... and only then if family

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."

25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP:

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. [so I am still not grown up..]
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy -*test*-('")s.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. (I eat at noon...)
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. (pfft...)
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one.